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Here comes the sun...

Today is the first really beautiful, hot, sunny day in a while. So instead of doing some work for class, I decided to sit out on a bench in the sun by the art building.

Last night I had a glass of wine before bed, and I thought that really relaxed me and I didn't think there was anything that could possibly make things better. But sitting in this sun, being covered by a blanket of warmth, this is really where I found my peace.

I wrote a few pages of that memoir I mentioned a few weeks ago. It was the same old song and dance: I got busy with school, consumed with life, and couldn't be bothered to write more of it. It's probably for the best. Why consume yourself in the past when I've got such a bright and awesome future to look forward to. Besides, the present isn't looking so grim either.

Needless to say, after sitting outside for the last 20 minutes, alone, in silence, in meditation, I'm finally feeling comfortable enough with myself to just move on. Take the past for what it was and don't let it haunt my future. I'm just going to bask in the present, and in the same way I find peace basking in the sun, I think I will eventually find my peace.

While I was sitting, I saw this brigade of skateboarders ride by. Three of them, like they were in some skating club. Odd. But it made me smile. Little silly things like that always do.

I should probably get some sort of congratulations. This is my first happy post in a very long time. Props to me. Bless you for making it all the way to the end of it.

...And I say ... It's all right...


pieces of me

i can't sleep.

i think i may write a memoir of the last couple of years of my life. i think maybe it will help. or maybe it will hurt a lot. or maybe it will do a little bit of both.

if anything, it will put into perspective this love that i gave this person the a year and a half and how he slowly turned into someone i hardly knew. and all the little things that went along with that.

i think it will help.

i hope.

i have the first line written. i'll start the rest tomorrow. then maybe i will just burn it, or mail it to him, or something. getting it all out of my head and onto paper might be enough. getting rid of it for good might be the therapy i need.

this will be good.

i feel really good about this.

maybe now i'll be able to sleep.

i'm still a rock star

I didn't sleep well last night. But I did have a dream and at one point there were bees in my dream and one of them stung me, square on the nose.

I looked it up:
To dream that you are stung by a bee, indicates that you have been wronged. Maybe you have been hurt by some stinging remark.

It's amazing how accurate dreams could be.

but i'm always true to you, darlin'

Wow. I know I said I'll have to write a whole bunch of shit to fill out that list before anything remotely exciting happens that is worth writing about, but let me tell you, something very interesting happened last night.

I'm not going to be petty and go into details or anything, but here is my basic reaction:

Seriously? Seriously. Was anything even gained by lying. What is making up shit going to do? How old are we? Snitching on people. I'm so confused as to what was trying to be accomplished.

Well before the exciting events of last night, Mike and I actually had a serious take, and we were sort of having one of those sigh type of arguments. The ones that are absolutely absurd and easily fixed, but still leaving you sighing.

Then this. Ha. It's laughable really. I just cannot fathom what was going on in this person's head.

Needless to say, I trust him about a hundred million times more than this person, so we spoke about it and it's over, and we are fine. More than fine really. We aren't even upset about our previous talk anymore.

I guess I could sort of say, thank you.

I suppose I could spin this little entry into one about my man, but now I can't really think about what I wanted to talk about.

Living so far apart is so hard. ha. "So far apart." It's only four hours, so I guess that's sort of an exaggeration. But still, it doesn't really make it easier. It's so easy to drive to see each other, but finding the time and the money is a constant battle.

Talking on the phone and texting is really all we have. And even finding time to do that is difficult. But it's worth it.

When you can't keep your eyes open because it's three in the morning, but you'd still do anything to stay on the phone laughing with him, even though he's talking about super heroes, you know it's worth it. It has to be. If it's not, than what sort of things should you be living for?
Hello stranger.

I haven't written one of these in a while. But I've been reminiscing a whole lot the last few hours, and I came across my LiveJournal and began reading those and feel to the need to update the world on things happening to me.

Besides, I've had a pretty shitty couple of weeks, so I'm borderline emo. That's always a good time to update...

Now, it's almost 1am and I should have started my essay which is due Friday, so maybe this tool of procrastination is really why I am updating. It's also very late and I am not feeling well, so I think instead of actually updating, I will make a quick list of things that I want to write about, and that way I can come back and fill them in some other time when I'm not exhausted and dying from coughing.

Quick List:
Look back at Facebook/Myspace messages.
Best friend gone missing.
Worst week ever.
The time I almost didn't go to Prague.
Dreams. (one particular dream including former roommate...)
My man and the beauty of long distance relationships (ha).
Summer in New York.
Spring Semester 2008.
Spring Break/my 21st Birthday :)

Ok, well that should be enough to keep me busy for a while. Maybe by the time I write some entries on those something will happen that is worth writing about.

Journal entries are fun. Colds are not.

it's my party, i'll cry if i want to

Ok, so here's the scoop.

I'm out and about, running around getting shit done, and life's not so bad for me. It still sucks. I still am upset. I still don't get it. But at least I'm living. It could be worse.

Then I get home, and I'm alone with myself and my thoughts, which is absolutely bad news right from the start.

But here's how I figure:

This week, four days, it'll be tough. Busying myself with school work isn't exactly my idea of a great time, but it's still stuff to do. I probably won't be sleeping too much because I have an insane amount of work that needs to be done.

The nights and mornings will be hard. I think a lot before I go to sleep. There's a good chance I will be crying myself to sleep a few of these next nights. Either that or I go to bed pounding my pillow because the idiocy of the whole situation is just beyond me and absolutely frustrating. And mornings? Well, that's the time when I think about my dream, which lately haven't been all that great and then come to the realization again that nothing's changed and life still sucks. I'm moving slowly, not wanting to get out of the house. YUCK.

BUT once I get through these next few days, I have to pack and get myself to Orlando. Conceivably, this could be bad news. Orlando is the home of this piece of my heart that's been ripped from me, so heartache most likely will ensue, but it is also the home of Disney World. Yes, I have some heart wrenching memories in these theme parks, but they cannot possibly out-weigh all of the wonderful things that have happened to me there. AND, not only this, but it will also be my birthday, my 21st birthday which means I can just get drunk and lose a few brain cells and help me to forget about all the shit that's happening to me.

And then, mornings and nights won't be quite as bad, at least not in comparison, because I won't be worried about my social problems, I'll be more worried about nursing my hangover.

Once all this has happened, two full weeks will have gone by, and, well, honestly, if you can go from making marriage plans to breaking up with someone in less than a week, who knows what can happen in two weeks. Right?

when you're life's going wrong
when the fates are unkind
when you're limping along
and get kicked from behind
tell yourself how lucky you are!

why decry a cloudy sky?
an empty purse?
a crazy universe?
my philosophy is simply
things could be worse!

so be happy you're here
think of life as a thrill
and if worse comes to worse
(as we all know it will)
thank your lucky star
you've gotten this far
and tell yourself how lucky you are!

well, fuck.

So, you know what?

Life sucks. This sucks. It makes no sense. The reasons are stupid. Life is hard. Love is hard. If you really cared we could make this work. But you don't, so, fuck it.

I have a pretty long week ahead of me. It's going to suck the big one. I have about ten million things I need to do. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. And the one person that calms me at the end of the day, well just doesn't want to be that for me anymore.

But, you know what? I turn 21 next week. I'm turning 21 and I'm going to be in Disney when I do it. And I'm going to go out and I'm going to drink until I forget. I mean, he's given up, he lost interest, so I'm going to just move on. I'm just going to not care anymore. I'm going to be 21. I'm going to meet about a hundred new interesting people and then I won't have room for him in my life anymore.


I can hardly look forward to my birthday anymore.

I'm so not ok.

i think perhaps it looks like rain...

we are as different as the morning and the night
we are as different as the winter and the spring
we always seem to fight
we disagree on everything

and yet...
you make me smile
you make me laugh
you make me care
how can i explain
inside my heart
i feel a pain
when you're not there

though we are not at all alike
you make me feel alive
if we have that in common
that one small thing in common
love could be like a small umbrella in the rain

My phone doesn't ring very often anymore, but every time it does, my heart skips a beat, because I'm hoping beyond hope that it's you.
So I was reading my post from last night. And I said "after almost ten months of good things."

Now, there were definitely plenty of good things, but we really have had our share of bad days and even a few bad weeks.

What made this bad week different?

i hate the phone, but i wish you'd call

digging a hole, and the walls are cavin' in
behind me
air's gettin' thin, but i'm tryin', i'm breathin' it
come find me

it hasn't felt like this before
it hasn't felt like home
before you

So, big change. I'm gonna be emo again. That's good news for you all though! More frequent livejournal posts! Hooray!

I don't really feel up to writing much right now. I have a lot to say though.

I don't actually hate the phone, but I do wish you would call, or text, or something.

You never really realize how lonely and sad it is when you're phone isn't vibrating and ringing every few minutes. Especially when one day it is and the next day it isn't, and all that's changed is that you don't talk to one person anymore. You have one fight and all of a sudden your phone is reverting back to only being good to tell you what time it is.

One person makes a huge difference.

I guess that's why only one week, after almost ten months of good things, has made such a huge difference.